The 7 Rules to Being Friends with Benefits
There you are. It’s Saturday morning, one eyelid is crusted shut, the other is getting burned by the sun, you’re not wearing underwear and you’re in a bed that isn’t your own. You know this bed, you’ve been here before and there’s someone naked laying beside you. Someone you know, but don’t really know. It’s a somewhat common occurrence. Usually (ok always) happens on weekends, starts with a text and ends with a hump. You met at a bar (coffee shop, party, back of a friend’s mini van) weeks ago and you’ve been shoving your uglies together ever since. You like this person or at least their genitalia and you’re all like, “woah, I think I like this person.” because you totally know, but you don’t. Maybe if you just have sex with them one more time…
Look, we’ve all been there. Mostly in college or in post breakup rebound turned “maybe we should date because I’m lonely” situations. And it’s cool, it’s easy and it’s convenient, but sometimes it wreaks havoc on your mental faculties and then you over analyze and then you get hurt. So in light of your brain exploding, we are going to do two things:
You are going to ask this man or woman bedfriend of yours if they would like to go on a date (outside of the bedroom). If they say yes, you may be on to something. If you feel like you can’t do that or they say no, you are officially in a Friends with Benefits situation, also known as FWB. Maybe you saw the movie, I dunno, whatever. The point is: there is no moving on from here. Friends with benefits are friends with benefits and nothing more no matter what mainstream media wants to tell you. You’re officially friendzoned into bonezone. Deal.
If you’re ok with this (or not and are freaking out) there are 7 essential rules to being FWB. You will need to master them should you want to move forward with this “relationship.” Get your pencils ready.
1. Don’t linger
This means you’re not kicking it for breakfast and Saturday morning cartoons. You have a life, they have a life (both of which you are not a part of) so get a move on. Grab your shame and go.
2. Always come prepared
Casual sex is awesome, but it can also be dangerous. That’s why you always have to be in charge of your health and bring protection. It doesn’t matter what you have going on between your knees, bring a condom (or 3) and wrap it tight.
3. Get tested often
In the same vein as above, you also need to get tested regularly. If you’re casually doing it, they’re probably casually doing it with other people and you probably casually (re. drunkenly) did some dude in the bathroom at that bar you pretend to hate. Get your ish poked and proded and be honest about it. #respect yo.
4. Keep things anonymous
Bed buddies are not street buddies. You do not introduce this person to your friends and vice versa. This is not a person you should be running into often. Things get messy when too many people get involved. They don’t have to be a secret, but don’t try to integrate them with your group.
5. Don’t be boring
Relationship sex has a tendency to get boring after awhile. You are not in a relationship, so you have keep it interesting, otherwise what’s the point? Throw in some dirty talking, some Adam and Eve toys and a little role playing. You don’t know this person, so forget the inhibitions.
6. Don’t ask too many personal questions
If the questions don’t involve things like, “Do you like this?” “Can I put it there?” “Are you in yet?” don’t ask them. This is not a time to ask about their childhood, favorite band or embarrassing moments.
7. Don’t get jealous
The fancy thing about FWB’s is that you don’t have a commitment to each other. You can date and sleep with other people while you’re kicking it with them on the side. The unfancy thing about it is that while you’re out doing it, you can’t get mad or jealous of them if they are doing it, too. There is no room for jealousy in a FWB relationship. You should get out if you’ve moved into that territory in your brain.
Now that you know, what are you going to do? You sticking with it? Is your relationship different and is totally going to change from FWB to a bf/gf status? Yep. It’s not. Good luck.